will it ever stop raining?

Bob Dylan-A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall (1964)

Since this post, there’s been a major update. No, not that update. I wish. But possibly good, possibly not-so-good. I had surgery on June 3rd expecting to possibly find scar tissue, or nothing. Instead, it turns out that I have endometriosis. I’ve been wavering back & forth around being pretty depressed about it & being hopeful, though everyone I talk to gets excited that there’s an ANSWER. So I’m back to a no coffee, limited dairy, non-estrogenic diet, being super careful about toxins, etc etc. I’m just pretty beat at this point with the whole journey.

When I planned a June trip to Maine with my parents back in December, I had no idea it would be bracketed with having surgery, my brother’s final divorce court date (still waiting on the final decision), and a whirlwind work trip to Boulder – on top of all the other craziness that comes from starting a new job (just past 90 days now) & the start of summer.

I took a bit of a breather from the social internets post-surgery, I was struggling with having others’ financial & baby-having ease in my face all day long. Beyond that, I realized that every single time I opened Facebook, I read something that made me feel bad about life or humanity. It’s been good to step away, but I miss the interaction with my core group of ladies. Maybe I should get everyone’s numbers and text them all day long, like I do to Jen. I’m slowly finding a balance and trying to be more mindful of how I spend down time. For instance, instead of reading Twitter I should probably spend my down time doing Etsy and socking it into an IVF fund. And I should never read Facebook.

p.s. IT IS STILL RAINING in Vermont. The end times are here.

14 Comments

  1. I noted your absence. Sending good thoughts as always. And I know what you mean about your reasons for staying away. Doing a bit of that myself. Hugs.

  2. I had endometriosis on my ovaries which meant I wasn’t ovulating properly. An operation cleared it up and I finally had a son a month after I turned 40 last year. There is hope.

  3. Hey hey. Glad you are back. I had surgery for pretty severe endo 10 years ago, and was put on various hormone pills to prevent it growing back, which have worked. I was always made aware of the effect this would have on my fertility (ie, it makes things that much harder), and now we are trying and facing that infertility. However most practitioners I have seen remain positive and hopeful. I hope that the “knowing” helps you, and also know: endo is not un-workable.

  4. Fingers crossed that naming the beast brings you closer to taming it. Missed your face in my feed, glad you poked your head in to say hi. Hugs!

  5. If you disappear for good you better Google chat me at least. I’ve missed you in my feed, but yes, the internets can be too much sometimes (most of the time?). Sending you good thoughts, always. xo

  6. Goodness. I excused myself from Facebook back in January after some personal struggles. I am still Facebook-less, and feel great about it. I hate the way Facebook makes you feel, the way it makes your personal struggles so much more weight-y when compared to everyones perfect lives and pictures. ( I jest of course about the perfection, but isn’t that they way it appears sometimes!?)

    I’ll tell you what. I’m never going back. I like pretty stationary anyway, so maybe I’ll just get back to writing letters like I did when I was a kid…

    Glad you have some answers in your fertility struggle. I, for one, seem to have no trouble getting pregnant…just have trouble staying pregnant. I feel like I have spent the better part of the last 3 years pregnant with morning sickness, with no baby to snuggle up with in the end.

    Our hearts stay strong. <3

    1. I don’t follow many people with lives I’d want, I guess, because I definitely don’t have that problem! It was all just really upsetting – news, people’s crappy views and opinions, endless reminders of human yuckiness. I kept getting swept up in 30 comment long political fights, or seeing the insensitive ugly side of people. I just always closed the window with a bad feeling. Does that make sense? (I did, however, instagram unfollow some dreadfully rich people because I couldn’t handle it!)

      I hope you can stay pregnant soon. Heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.

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