what’s it like to want?

I’ve been thinking lately about fear and just how directional it can be – a rudder in life steering you toward or away from what you need to be doing. When I thought about writing this blog post it basically made me want to throw up, so that means I should do it, right? I’m not even sure what I’m going to write, only that after reading Leah’s post about Infertility Awareness Week I felt like maybe I should just keep writing until the knot that is my chest softens, at least slightly. I don’t know why we don’t talk about this publicly, or why women feel so alone. I know it’s brutally, brutally hard for me to put something this personal into the world.

But. Here we are. One year and one month since we decided to start trying to have a baby.

That subject line is something my aunt would say to me when I was small. “What’s it like to want?” I always thought it was a particularly cruel question to ask a child. And I’ll tell you. It sucks. It takes up all your waking thoughts. I can tell myself to just forget it and to relax, it doesn’t work. I can eat right and take herbs and feel like I’m being super proactive, and it doesn’t stop that nagging want, or the deep deep feeling of failure and depression.

When we first started, I had no idea what I was in for. I’d been accidentally pregnant before (in Sept 2008) & even though that ended in a miscarriage I at least knew I had the ability. I got the go ahead from my doctors after fibroid surgery, with nothing but “You’re fine! You’ll be pregnant in no time!” & since then, every doctor I see says the same thing. I don’t understand why I can’t find the faith that they have, that my mother has, that my friends have, that my husband has. I’m 7 years older than my husband, and it feels like a century these days.

There’s this strange thing where I allow myself to get my hopes up every month, and yet when I try to summon a feeling of faith and hope and power and serenity I just feel desolate, depressed. Every action and moment seems tinged and through this lens. You don’t realize how many damn pregnant people there are in the world until you’re trying, and I finally had to let some of my co-workers know because I couldn’t take the relentless teasing about me being next to have a baby, as the only non-mom in the office. The simplest statements turn into knives.

We’re now at the point where we have to make the decision to take the next step into expensive medical procedures. The thought of it makes me feel very panicked and strange. It’s a big decision, and my age and this difficulty brings up birth defects and risks that we have to consider as well. I really don’t know what our next step will be. Maybe it’s time to stop trying and to come to peace with it. Maybe I won’t have to make a decision.

There’s a room in the new house that was clearly the nursery, pale lavender with moons and stars. I keep the door closed but I’ve unpacked my most precious children’s books into the built in shelves.

 

86 Comments on what’s it like to want?

  1. craftosaurus
    April 25, 2012 at 7:47 pm (2 years ago)

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and that life has to be so unfair sometimes.

    Reply
  2. Lara
    April 25, 2012 at 7:50 pm (2 years ago)

    So sorry you’re going through this. So many women do and you’re right… it should be talked about more openly.
    I’m 33 and I had given myself until 35 but I really don’t see us being financially ready for that in 2 more years. I’m constantly upset over the fact that I don’t know if we’ll ever be stable and prepared enough for a baby. People do it all the time and manage to make do but I didn’t want us to live in a state of that kind of sacrifice. So there’s that.

    All I’ve ever heard is when you find out that everything is in working order on both of your ends, you just have to quit stressing and let things happen. Hard to do but usually the best things happen that way!

    Reply
  3. capricornia
    April 25, 2012 at 8:32 pm (2 years ago)

    Right there with you. It’s the worst.

    Reply
    • verhext
      April 25, 2012 at 8:48 pm (2 years ago)

      Oh no, I read that with a punch to the chest. Crossing my fingers for you.

      Reply
  4. Des
    April 25, 2012 at 8:40 pm (2 years ago)

    I’m so sorry :( We’re eight months into trying for number 2. I keep trying to tell myself “It’s only been a few months. It doesn’t Mean Anything” but every month gets a little more depressing, and yeah. It’s so hard to be hopeful even when hope is all you want. Every stupid ‘hey, it’s time have another one!’ comment makes me want to cry and when my sister-in-law excitedly announced she was pregnant again I had to make an excuse to leave the room. I don’t know. But I’ve got my fingers crossed that you’ll get your miracle soon.

    Reply
  5. Carolyn
    April 25, 2012 at 8:54 pm (2 years ago)

    So sorry to hear you are going through this. What a heavy weight to bear. My one contribution is totally practical: have you tried an electronic fertility monitor? Not the CVS pee-on-a-stick kind, but an expensive electronic one? At age 39 I used this thing got pregnant after about 8 months of trying (granted, it takes a couple months for it to calibrate and give very accurate info). They cost about $150, but that beats the price of fertility treatments. Sorry to be so simple and concrete, but I believe in these things. I got mine from a friend who used it to get pregnant after 5 rounds of failed IVF, and I passed it on to a friend who used it to conceive identical twins on the first go. Good luck to you.

    Reply
    • verhext
      April 26, 2012 at 9:37 am (2 years ago)

      Another friend mentioned this too but the cost has me a little put off as I’m unsure if it would benefit me. I’ve been charting since 2002 and have super regular periods, plus had an ultrasound that confirmed ovulation on the exact day (in March) that my charts said I would ovulate. Do you think that I’d still find these helpful? I’ve gone and looked at them with the intent to buy and I guess just felt frustrated and confused over if it would help.

      Reply
      • sharon mckellar
        April 26, 2012 at 8:10 pm (2 years ago)

        i really liked using one of those monitors, and was luckily enough to borrow from a friend and not have to pay for it. but honestly, i don’t think that it is better than if you are regular and are charting. i mean, i used it religiously for almost two years and it sure didn’t solve whatever undiagnosable problem i’m having. it did help me feel confidant and sure that we were hitting the right time each month, and thus secure in my decision that we needed outside help…. but if you feel that already, i don’t think it’ll do you a lot of good. i wish i had one that i could send to you to try out! xxoo

        Reply
        • verhext
          April 27, 2012 at 3:45 pm (2 years ago)

          Did I tell you that my mom was like JUST HAVE MAGICAL LOVING SEX THREE TIMES A DAY, NO WORRIES. Ummm, ok. I guess I COULD do that, if I take a week off around ovulation every month & do a shit ton of E. I think we’re hitting the right times, but who knows when the window is so small.

          Reply
          • sharon mckellar
            April 28, 2012 at 1:06 pm (2 years ago)

            Just the idea of magical loving sex makes me laugh/puke. Oh man, were it only that easy. *Sigh*

            Hey – not trying to self-promote here (I swear swear swear), but want to make sure you know I am blogging about all of this stuff. If you didn’t know, but want to read, lemme know, and I’ll tell you where to find it.

            Reply
            • verhext
              May 4, 2012 at 5:32 pm (2 years ago)

              Leah gave me the link but if you want to post it here for others please do!! xo

              Reply
  6. Anabela
    April 25, 2012 at 9:03 pm (2 years ago)

    Endless screams of frustration on your behalf, lady. Sometimes when you feel like throwing up when you hit “post,” though, amazing, magical things can happen. I hope they do for you. Thank you for writing this post.

    Reply
  7. Cate
    April 25, 2012 at 9:15 pm (2 years ago)

    Oh, I am so sorry. It’s so incredibly painful, that want. I had unexplained secondary infertility, and after more than two years of trying I headed to the doctors. My experience with them wasn’t great. I had much better luck with homeopathy combined with acupuncture. As I got ever closer to my personal cut-off of giving birth to baby 2 before I reached 42, I finally got, and stayed pregnant. I won’t ever forget the agony of waiting for this baby.

    Infertility hurts in a way that is almost inexpressible.

    Wishing you all the magic you need.

    Reply
  8. meghan
    April 25, 2012 at 9:31 pm (2 years ago)

    I just want this so badly for you too. So many hugs.

    Reply
  9. Christy Tyler
    April 25, 2012 at 9:37 pm (2 years ago)

    Oh love. I want to give you the biggest hugs – but since this is the internet – please just know I’m sending you so much love & support. While I haven’t dealt with 1+ years of trying – James and I did desperately want a baby as soon as we got married. We ‘tried’ for months and months and nothing happened. That feeling of want is such a deep ache and it made me feel desperate/angry/sad/embarrassed all at the same time. Finally we gave up (we had to or we would have had a baby when I was booked to be shooting weddings) and decided it just wasn’t meant to be at that moment and focused instead on our marriage and moving my business forward & getting him back into school. It’s been almost 3 years since then and we’re contemplating starting to ‘try’ again, but I’m equal parts excited as I am scared. It’s easy to accept we don’t have a little one when it’s because we weren’t trying. But when we do start – I’m not sure I can handle the monthly disappointment again if it happens the same way as last time.

    Anyway – I’m not sure what I’m saying here. Just know that you are not alone. Also, I’ve never spoken about this online before (which is shocking, considering how much I tell on my blog on a daily basis) – but this just felt SO personal, I didn’t want to put it out there. Anyway – you’ve inspired me to talk (at least here – for now), and thank you for that. It is scary but feels good to say out loud.

    Sending so much love and babymaking juju your way. xoxoxo

    Reply
    • verhext
      May 4, 2012 at 5:21 pm (2 years ago)

      So, I keep thinking about this. And I do not think you should worry when you start again. Because you had to go do all this stuff, like school and business and life and now you’re in an awesome place so mayyybbbee the baby is like “finally! time to be born!”

      & your body and brain won’t be thinking about all the life-things you need to put in place before you have a family. So it’s good. You’re in a good place. Go forth and make babies!

      Reply
      • Christy Tyler
        May 16, 2012 at 11:50 pm (2 years ago)

        I hope you’re right love. James and I trust that everything happens for a reason and that it didn’t happen then because it wasn’t meant to. You know I’ll keep you posted! xoxo.

        Reply
  10. Liz
    April 25, 2012 at 9:39 pm (2 years ago)

    I’m so very sorry.

    Reply
  11. Bits
    April 25, 2012 at 10:00 pm (2 years ago)

    I feel for you. I easily had a son, but now, 3 years later, I’ve had three miscarriages in the last 18 months.

    Earlier this week I heard this Diane Rehm show: http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2012-04-23/trials-and-tribulations-assisted-reproduction. It’s not a happy 50 minutes, but it’s informative. One thing that stuck out was that the couple on the show regretted waiting so long before seeing a specialist.

    A friend that had a similar experience told me that she thinks of this time as a journey. For me it’s a journey that will end up in another child – a sibling for my son – whether it’s a baby that I comes from my husband and I or elsewhere.

    And because it’s just impossible to not look for the PURPOSE of all this, what I think it must result in is an appreciation and a greater sense of presentness when those babies do, eventually, come to us.

    Reply
    • verhext
      May 4, 2012 at 5:26 pm (2 years ago)

      I agree. I have this theme in my life of everything being very “hard earned” and it really does give me a deep, deep appreciation of what I do have. And I hope this is another one of those times.

      Reply
  12. Megan
    April 25, 2012 at 10:05 pm (2 years ago)

    This is really heartbreaking and hits home for me. Thank you for being so brave and sharing, thinking good thought for you.

    Reply
  13. megan
    April 25, 2012 at 10:11 pm (2 years ago)

    wishing & hoping for you and yours.

    Reply
  14. cartascartas
    April 25, 2012 at 10:28 pm (2 years ago)

    So, so sorry to hear this. Big hugs and much strength.

    Reply
  15. celia
    April 25, 2012 at 11:24 pm (2 years ago)

    oh, lady. this tugs at my heartstrings in the most overwhelming way. a very good friend of mine was in a very similar situation (same age/same fertility issues). she eventually decided to go to a specialist and she DID get pregnant after roughly a year. her baby girl, charlie (the one in cheech’s music class that looks like she just got back from coachella), was born three weeks after cheech and she’s PERFECT. as stupid as this may sound, don’t lose hope. it makes absolutely no sense to me why this is so much harder for some women than it is for others, but try and remember that there is TONS that can be done to make this dream a reality.

    and one last thing, charlie’s mom VERY ACCIDENTALLY got pregnant again two months before charlie’s first birthday. she’s due in late november. life is weird.

    Reply
    • verhext
      April 26, 2012 at 10:13 am (2 years ago)

      I WANT A BABY TO PUT TINY MOCASSINS ON.

      It’s good to hear success stories, though. I do think we’ll move forward with IUI, it’s just been a bit of a struggle as I’m not super happy with my doctor and when I tried to switch the hospital told me no. (yes, I miss SF healthcare SO MUCH. I kind of feel like I’d be pregnant now if I still had my amazing doctors.)

      I think Cheech and Charlie need to have a baby tv show or something.

      Reply
  16. Lauren
    April 25, 2012 at 11:32 pm (2 years ago)

    I understand, we have been practicing for almost two years. We took a little under six months to get pregnant with out first child (who will start school soon) and both of us having siblings wanted to add one more to our brood. I have finally given up the pressure to get pregnant to mother nature, we can’t do it any other way. Treatments are out of the comfort zone of our budget. We will get pregnant. We are only fertile for 12-24 hours at best. The doctors will do their best treating your “symptoms” find a group of supporters to help share your burden, and we will all be wrapping up little bundles soon.

    Reply
    • verhext
      May 4, 2012 at 5:17 pm (2 years ago)

      I hope we will all have little bundles soon. :) Best of luck to you!

      Reply
  17. thompson
    April 25, 2012 at 11:48 pm (2 years ago)

    Thanks for this. I’ve been trying for about 18 months now and no luck. I just got off the phone with my best friend, who’s having her baby tomorrow. We had hoped to be pregnant at the same time and trade babysitting and all that. As happy as I am for her, a part of me is really, terribly jealous. It’s so true that once you start trying, you’re suddenly aware of just how many lucky pregnant women there are in the world.

    While there is some hope that I’ll get pregnant, there isn’t too much. But I’m trying to remain hopeful and open to other options. We live in a time of amazing medical knowledge so maybe it will happen. Or maybe it won’t. In which case, there’s always adoption or fostering.

    All this to say, thanks for sharing and I’m right there with you. Good thoughts in your direction.

    Reply
  18. Laura
    April 26, 2012 at 12:05 am (2 years ago)

    I feel compelled to tell you this:
    I have been your reading your blog for a few years and always enjoy your posts. We don’t know each other personally so I truly hope this doesn’t sound odd (or worse, creepy) But a few weeks ago, for some reason, I had a dream that we did know each other. In this dream you were very pregnant and you were literally glowing. I know this is something that people often say about pregnant women, but in this dream you were literally radiating a beautiful light. There was a completely magical quality to this dream.
    Nothing particularly eventful occurred in the dream, but I awoke thinking what a beautiful thing carrying a child could be. (and I am someone who, regretfully, always feels very frightened/intimated by the possibility of this experience)
    I didn’t really know anything about your hoping for a baby until this post and after reading it, I just felt that I needed to share this with you.
    Occasionally I will have these seemingly random dreams and they end up materializing. I hope it isn’t strange that I mentioned this. I wish all the best for you. Who knows where our dreams come from but sometimes I really feel we are all connected in mysterious ways even when they seem entirely random.

    Reply
    • verhext
      April 26, 2012 at 9:27 am (2 years ago)

      I love this! I just said to Sean that one thing that bugs me is I DON’T have dreams like this (my mom does, and is UNFAILING in her faith) so it’s actually really sweet and hopeful making to hear it. I like signs. Thank you for telling me!

      Reply
    • Christy Tyler
      April 26, 2012 at 9:38 am (2 years ago)

      This totally just made me cry! How beautiful!!!

      Reply
  19. Tristy
    April 26, 2012 at 12:09 am (2 years ago)

    I really appreciate this post so much. I completely agree that walking this path of infertility *really* needs to be talked about more openly in our culture. I went through seven years of trying – from special diets, to clomid, to acupuncture. I did get pregnant several times, but was unable to take any of them to term. It was SO HARD to “stop trying,” but my body and soul needed to get off that merry-go-round of heartache. There was also this awful cultural message that we had somehow “failed,” and it took me a long time to find the place of realizing that I made a choice for my mental and physical health, which is really the opposite of failure. I actually threw myself an “Un-Baby Shower” to really honor and celebrate my choice. I really wanted to be surrounded by my loving women friends, and have their support as I make this choice and step into my child-free life. I wrote about it here: http://fatstronglady.blogspot.com/2012/03/un-baby-showers-ritual-crafting.html (forgive me if this is inappropriate to post in this thread! I just want to be a voice of someone on the other side of this journey who did not end up being a Biological Mother, because that was really helpful to me as I was going through my fertility treatments). I wish you lots of beautiful luck and and grounded joy as you navigate your treatments and choices. You are truly on a powerful woman’s journey!

    Reply
    • verhext
      May 4, 2012 at 5:28 pm (2 years ago)

      I finally had a chance to read your post, and it’s really beautiful. Ritual is so important, and so overlooked. Thank you for sharing.

      Reply
  20. Pam
    April 26, 2012 at 12:17 am (2 years ago)

    I am so impressed by your honesty, and feel for you so much. A beloved coworker went through a similar process, and I saw firsthand the stress and heartache it caused her. She is now pregnant, which is amazing and so, so happy. I wish the same for you, and I will send happy thoughts your way! Modern medicine is amazing, good luck with your journey.

    Reply
  21. anne b.
    April 26, 2012 at 3:56 am (2 years ago)

    sending good vibes and strength

    Reply
  22. cara
    April 26, 2012 at 5:55 am (2 years ago)

    I’m so sorry.

    I wish there was something I could say that would help but I know none of it helps because I heard it all when we were trying.

    Reply
  23. alloallo
    April 26, 2012 at 8:53 am (2 years ago)

    right there with you, too… the less invasive medical intervention doesn’t scare me too much (on the docket this summer, first round of IUI) but the slippery slope to the more invasive versions keeps me up at night. I really, truly, eternally despise the ‘just relax’ or ‘when you stop trying’ platitudes.

    In our situation there will be none of that (we need to use a donor, which I’m hesitate writing on the internet as still working out how we feel but on some level good to put out there), so if we stop ‘trying’ it means we have moved on from wanting it. Or have made peace with it not happening. Neither are things I see happening soon, but you can never tell.

    In any case, just to say thinking of you lots and lots, and keeping fingers, toes and eyes crossed.

    Reply
  24. Matilda
    April 26, 2012 at 9:28 am (2 years ago)

    You so arent’ alone!!
    Girl I feel for you so much because I am in the exact same boat. We started the talks with fertility doctors. I’ve had a few test some quite uncomfortable and there is nothing “wrong” that is preventing but same as you 1 year and 1 month later (not even joking) and still nothing. All the women in my life had no issues. So I haven’t talked about it with anyone. I feel like such a failure. I am even using a fake name right now. You know who I am but I am so ashamed to talk about it for fear of people thinking there is something wrong with me and I am a freak. Because no one talks about it I feel like no one wants to hear it from me.

    It fucking sucks. I will send you all the lovely baby vibes and cross my fingers for you.

    Reply
    • verhext
      April 26, 2012 at 9:34 am (2 years ago)

      Oh man. This has me sobbing! Please, please don’t feel ashamed. I know it’s SO HARD, for everyone with our story there seem to be a million more who “got pregnant on the first try!”

      I hate that no one talks about this, just like when I miscarried and felt like SCREAMING it from the treetops because it’s so hushed up. It’s not fair that any woman should feel like a freak – especially in this day and age when half of what’s wrong with us is environmental toxins and stress and day jobs and ughhhhh everything.

      I hope hope hope you can feel less like this soon, and fingers crossed and so much hope sent your way for good news.

      Reply
  25. Petite Chablis
    April 26, 2012 at 9:30 am (2 years ago)

    Count me as another set of crossed fingers and toes.

    Reply
  26. Lauren
    April 26, 2012 at 9:31 am (2 years ago)

    Thank you so much for writing about this, you’ve done it so beautifully. The wanting will drive you crazy & break your heart. Even though it feels like I’m pretty close to maybe being at an end of this infertility nightmare, I still can’t believe it. I’m still scared and sad a lot of the time. Hanging out with my best friend’s little boy this week hurts a little because I want one of my own SO. BAD. and for some reason I can’t believe I’m actually going to ever have a child of my own that I get to keep.

    I’m thinking of you & hoping so hard that you get the baby that you want, because I know- I know what it’s like & I know how hard this time is. xoxo

    Reply
  27. Maggie
    April 26, 2012 at 9:33 am (2 years ago)

    I wish I had words, any words. But I can’t even begin to understand what this situation feels like… your last line made me tear up. Wishing you strength on this path… and hope.

    Reply
  28. Rory
    April 26, 2012 at 9:35 am (2 years ago)

    I wish I had something to offer other than good vibes. But I wish you the best regardless.

    Reply
  29. Kerry
    April 26, 2012 at 9:42 am (2 years ago)

    I am glad you had the strength to tell your co-workers how they were making you feel. You shouldn’t have had to tell them, but it is so brave that you did. I hope that gives you a tiny bit less heartbreak.

    Thank you for writing this – I it was good to sit and think for a while about *wanting.* It’s one of those feelings whose absence I often forget to appreciate. (sorry for the messiness of that sentence).

    Much positivity your way.

    Reply
  30. karie
    April 26, 2012 at 9:43 am (2 years ago)

    Tamera I’m so proud of you for posting this- you’re one amazing lady. Thinking of you guys and sending even more love strength and hugs your way.

    Reply
  31. Anna @ D16
    April 26, 2012 at 9:56 am (2 years ago)

    I want this so much for you.

    It’s hard to know what to say because I’ve never been there and I never will be there and I don’t even let myself think about whether that’s something I’ll regret someday.

    I just want this for you, and for everyone else who feels a desire to bring new life into the world. I don’t know what it’s like to want that, but I do know what it’s like to want.

    xoxoxo

    Reply
  32. Beth
    April 26, 2012 at 11:09 am (2 years ago)

    You expressed your struggles so poignantly and everyone else wrote such beautiful comments that I’m sort of embarrassed this is my reaction but here goes:

    Getting to know you via the internet over the last months I know you’re the type of person I want having children in this world. The type that passionately wants to have children but won’t coddle them into sniveling imbeciles. This is so damn unfair that you are faced with these struggles so damn unfair. I’m so sorry. So so sorry.

    I’m thinking the best of thoughts for you and Sean as you move through this journey.

    Reply
  33. fawn
    April 26, 2012 at 11:42 am (2 years ago)

    I know many couples that have had success with treatment. Some have even gone on to conceive naturally the second time. Wishing you and all others luck. I’m certain your seeds of intentions will bloom.

    Reply
  34. Edith Pearl
    April 26, 2012 at 12:03 pm (2 years ago)

    I find it hard to deal with the fact that I want whether to have a baby or not to be my decision (and my husbands) and not something that is out of my control thanks to years of trouble with cysts and endometriosis. When I first heard that I may not be able to conceive it really hit me for the first time that the decision might not be mine but my bodies- and here I thought we were one and in sync but now I have to weigh that in to the factor as well as other things. Basically it sucks and I feel for you and I wish there was some magic I could send you to make it all better, but I don not know about that stuff I just know you are not alone.

    Reply
  35. Caitlin
    April 26, 2012 at 12:28 pm (2 years ago)

    I am so sorry that you have to deal with this struggle :( I know that this issue is not something that we talk about a lot amongst ourselves and you are SO brave and kind for doing so.

    Sending happy baby-making thoughts your way!

    Reply
  36. one soul
    April 26, 2012 at 12:35 pm (2 years ago)

    Right there with you. The wanting… oh boy it hurts. And everything crossed for the next step. I for one am hopeful for you.

    Reply
  37. Kendra
    April 26, 2012 at 12:47 pm (2 years ago)

    Beautifully written, thank you for putting this hurt out into the world. I’ve started wondering/worrying about whether I’ll be able to conceive when I want to, though being in a relationship with a woman, there’s no testing it out…I think as we get older, a combo of social messages and actual biological realities can result in extreme anxiety around fertility/motherhood stuff. It’s one thing to choose your path, and another to feel so out of control and adrift, and thanks for expressing what I think SO MANY people feel.
    All I can offer is the story of another friend. She and her mate BOTH had physical issues which gave them much lower than average chance to conceive (“old” eggs and low sperm). 3 years or so of trying, and she gave up so that she’d keep her sanity…and a year later, bam, baby. And now, 3 years after that, baby again.
    Cliches aside, you’re doing everything right. If you wanna be a mama, there’s a babysoul floating around in the ether waiting for its entry time.

    Reply
    • Rebeka
      April 26, 2012 at 7:25 pm (2 years ago)

      “If you wanna be a mama, there’s a babysoul floating around in the ether waiting for its entry time.”
      O I just burst into tears reading that. It has been my belief for as long as I realized I wanna be a mama. I am on this hard journey of learning want, too. It is a difficult lesson. I hope we all find happiness wherever we end up.

      Reply
    • Bright
      May 3, 2012 at 1:20 pm (2 years ago)

      I’m an unpartnered woman who still longs for a baby and this

      If you wanna be a mama, there’s a babysoul floating around in the ether waiting for its entry time.

      made me tear up. I’ve wanted it so bad for years.

      Reply
  38. Karrey
    April 26, 2012 at 1:58 pm (2 years ago)

    Thank you so much for sharing this. You’re not alone in this, and I hope that sharing has released some of the burden you’ve been carrying. I’m sending you vibes and good thoughts!

    Reply
  39. kc
    April 26, 2012 at 2:06 pm (2 years ago)

    The monthly cycle of hope and despair is what I was the least prepared for, I think. Whenever I try to explain this to outsiders I get the “Just relax!” platitudes that makes me want to punch them in the face or yell you try and relax after going through this month after month after month. M is still so full of hope and so sure that this is just the journey we’ve had to take and that it will happen. Sometimes I wish I could feel that way too.

    When we moved into our new place we set aside the third bedroom for a future nursery. We finally converted it into a home gym a few weeks ago because walking by the empty room every day was a like a knife in the heart. We can always change it right?

    Sending all my love and good thoughts to you.

    Reply
  40. jacqueline
    April 26, 2012 at 2:13 pm (2 years ago)

    Why does it always seem like the best people have the hardest time with these sorts of things? I am so sending positive energy your way that things begin to get easier and that people can stop being so callous about what they say.

    Reply
  41. hungryandfrozen
    April 26, 2012 at 2:54 pm (2 years ago)

    Thanks for bravely sharing, that nauseous feeling before committing to posting something can occasionally send you some surprises though. So very sorry to hear of your ongoing pressures and pain – I hope you soon forget what it’s like to want, and in the meantime, there is – judging by the comments here – all the goodwill and positive energy in the world going your way to will it into happening.

    Reply
  42. Sharon
    April 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm (2 years ago)

    I’m so struck by your bravery in sharing your story here, Tamera, and I wish I had more to offer than all the good wishes and hoping in the world. I want this so badly for you guys.

    Reply
  43. Sadie
    April 27, 2012 at 12:26 am (2 years ago)

    Thanks for having the courage to write this and to share your pain about an issue that people just don’t talk about. So many have no tact or awareness!

    I am another woman who lives with fertility and gyno issues and it does just suck to go to OBGYNs, facing waiting rooms full of pregnant woman while waiting for another cyst removal surgery or endometriosis consult. This, plus facing people who tell us to j*ust have babies already* (It’s the best thing that ever happened to them, and they understand what life is all about now and wow, their lives were just so meaningless and empty before, doncha know?!)

    You are not alone and I wish you calming thoughts to help you get through this crappy time.

    Reply
    • verhext
      April 27, 2012 at 1:01 pm (2 years ago)

      The waiting rooms are really no fun. It’s really hard to fight back the “IT’S NOT FAIR” feelings there.

      & I know exactly what you mean about that attitude from people. That at least I can raise an eyebrow at. As much as I want to be a mother, I am a million other fulfilling things, too.

      Reply
  44. Maggie
    April 27, 2012 at 2:08 am (2 years ago)

    I didn’t realize there would be a time in my life when I would be so sad and worried to keep getting my period month after month after stinking month. You’re probably doing everything already, but fertilityfriend.com helped me track my ovulation and we found out I ovulate on day 17 instead of day 14. That helped a lot. Good luck!

    Reply
    • verhext
      April 27, 2012 at 3:43 pm (2 years ago)

      That’s what I use! I used to use http://www.cyclespage.com/ but I like the FF app and info you can put in. The date it was suggested for ovulation was confirmed with an ultrasound (and matched up to CD the one time I did get pregnant), so I think it’s pretty solid.

      Thanks!

      Reply
  45. Emilie
    April 27, 2012 at 12:58 pm (2 years ago)

    I am so very sorry.
    I want this so much for you, for both of us, and will be thinking good thoughts your direction.
    My soon-to-be in-laws have already started dropping hints, and offering “incentives” for future grandchildren to arrive sooner rather than later. It is truly one of my greatest fears that I will be carrying this wanting for the rest of my life. Every time they tease with undertones of seriousness, I fight the urge to do something completely inappropriate (alternating with bursting into tears and punching them in the face at this point).
    Sending you and your husband big hugs and lots of support. Thank you so much for writing this, and for giving all of us a place to say, “I want.”

    Reply
  46. Sarahbeth
    April 27, 2012 at 2:33 pm (2 years ago)

    Oh dear lady,

    What bravery. What courage to share. How important it is to type those words – say those heart aching things out loud.

    I have dear friends who have been trying for the last year too. And it’s so hard to see their faces every month. It hurts my heart to watch everyone conceive around them. But there is hope there too. She’s older. She’s been told what you have. She’s trying to stay calm. I’m telling you this because your words, your journey -helps others too when you share it. I will light a candle for you. Hold you in my thoughts. I cannot imagine what it must feel like. So instead I will set out the intention that this struggle will result in triumphant joy.

    Reply
  47. leah
    April 27, 2012 at 9:04 pm (2 years ago)

    I’m so glad you wrote this and added another voice to the struggle. I know exactly the gut-punch feeling that happens when putting it out there for the first time. I had panic attacks when I first posted about PCOS back in Livejournal days, and still felt sick to my stomach years later writing about infertility on Facebook even though it was often filtered and masked with sarcasm. The most heartbreaking thing about posting about those things was how many people emailed or messaged me privately to share their stories because putting them out there for the world is still so scary for so many people.

    I hope that as more people add their voices, others will feel more freedom and comfort to join into the dialogue. More than that though, I hope that you soon forget what it’s like to want.

    Reply
  48. Mo
    April 28, 2012 at 12:56 am (2 years ago)

    Tamera, thanks so much for your courage and brave words. I hear what you say about the professional community. My friend was going through IVF and unfortunately miscarried after she had made her big announcement. They were devastated. A doctor (not her regular) suggested it was a ‘good’ thing. She was horrified, of course, and the doctor followed up with the comment that it meant the IVF worked for her and they could try again. Such cold clinical analysis. The good news in the end was they did and it worked. They’ve added a lovely baby girl to their family. Thinking of you both.

    Reply
  49. Catherine
    April 28, 2012 at 4:22 am (2 years ago)

    You just bared your soul. I think I caught a glimpse of Courage:) Jaspire….’I yearn’. Best Wishes.

    Reply
  50. Jo
    April 28, 2012 at 12:25 pm (2 years ago)

    People say such stupid things, and they are such knives to the spirit. I’m so sorry. The private, silent struggles are so terrible; even more so because people talk about them in weird ways. Fruitful, hopeful vibes your way.

    Reply
  51. holly
    April 28, 2012 at 12:55 pm (2 years ago)

    you could always just adopt me….i love lavender walls and i miss you all the time.

    Reply
  52. ruth
    April 29, 2012 at 4:15 pm (2 years ago)

    Just wanted to say I think you are really brave to write about this most intimate of subjects and I really hope that one day you are writing about your new son or daughter on your blog. I do know what it is like to want a child….I wish you and your husband all the best.

    Reply
  53. Meg
    April 30, 2012 at 8:02 pm (2 years ago)

    Just love. That’s all. That’s everything.

    Reply
  54. Chris
    May 1, 2012 at 11:40 am (2 years ago)

    I am so sorry:( For you and for the others who want to be mothers and raise a family. I was pregnant in 2008 as well, and lost the baby. My partner was a total douche and was just happy he wasn’t going to be a dad.

    I have a new partner now, a lovely man–we are engaged. He is supportive, very loving, very engaged and –yup. Doesn’t want kids. I’m now 35. I’m not giving up the love of my life, but I am struggling to come to terms with the fact I will very likely never be a mother. I am mostly okay with it, because like Lara, we are in a precarious financial situation. My mother was 37 when she had me so that is the age I’ve attached some weird, magical importance to. Silly, I know. I know I could lay the boots down and give my fiance an ultimatum but I’m just not like that, nor do I want to start a family in that way:(

    Reply
  55. Lelde
    May 1, 2012 at 2:22 pm (2 years ago)

    Hei!
    It breaks my heart to read this post. I can feel your pain and I do understand. I have tears in my eyes and that knot in my chest, you wrote about. We started 3 years ago… Only few of my closest people know and others, well, they just keep asking when we will have baby. It’s like spiting in my face, no, in my soul.
    And it is just the worst thing to know that there are so many others trying, but not succeeding.
    But still we hope.

    Reply
  56. holly jean
    May 6, 2012 at 1:08 am (2 years ago)

    you are loved and your baby will come <3

    Reply
  57. Bridget
    May 13, 2012 at 8:55 am (2 years ago)

    “It takes up all your waking thoughts. I can tell myself to just forget it and to relax, it doesn’t work. I can eat right and take herbs and feel like I’m being super proactive, and it doesn’t stop that nagging want, or the deep deep feeling of failure and depression.”
    Yes to all of this. You’re not alone on this journey. Hoping that time rewards us all with healthy babies. Until then, I mark my temperatures, invest hope in acupuncture and herbs, despair over my post-miscarriage fucked-up cycles and try (let’s face it – in vain) not to let this rule my life.

    Thank you for sharing and wishing you strength and success in your journey x

    Reply
    • verhext
      May 13, 2012 at 9:45 pm (2 years ago)

      Best of luck (& strength) to you, too.

      Reply
  58. Angeliska
    May 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm (2 years ago)

    Sweet one, I’ve have this post open for awhile now – slowly going back over it, reading everyone’s comments, and learning how strange it is to find myself surrounded by women all walking in the same strange forest of wishing, hoping, wondering and waiting. I thought I was alone there, I guess, because it’s a secret place we don’t speak of too much – a place of fear, and worry. I’m so grateful to you that you took the time to write this, to open up. It means so much to me, and to all the other ladies wandering in the forest of wanting. I am wishing that we will all find our wee babe in the woods, our little one tucked up in the branches, waiting for us.

    Love you. xox.

    Reply
    • verhext
      May 18, 2012 at 9:47 am (2 years ago)

      I think I need to make this into my meditation/visualization. Woods walking and looking in branches!

      Reply
  59. Lauren
    May 18, 2012 at 1:54 am (2 years ago)

    I’m not sure if this will be of help, but I recently saw an old friend (she’s an ethnographer) who raved about a book called “Taking Charge of Your Fertility: The definitive guide to natural birth control, pregnancy achievement, and reproductive health”. The author is Toni Weschler, MPH. Her and several of my other friends who are married or in committed relationships swear by this book. I’m on Seasonale and definitely not trying to become pregnant or chart my cycle, but my friend brought her copy and I went through it because I was interested. I cannot believe how much I learned….I know you said you already chart, but this book goes into a ton of detail. Anyhow, this book is extremely informative. It’s huge and has tons of info, not just about charting, but cervical fluid, temperature, cervical position…. all kinds of stuff. It goes into so much detail parts of it were making me mildly woozy.

    After looking at this book it seems like all women should have access to the information in it. I didn’t know much about it, and while I don’t plan on utilizing any of the info soon, I still found it very interesting and super important for women who don’t want to be on birth control and for women who want to become pregnant.

    Reply
    • verhext
      May 18, 2012 at 9:45 am (2 years ago)

      Thanks! I’ve looked at it, but it didn’t seem to have any new info for me. At this point I’ve been charting & monitoring signs for 10 years (!!) and taking herbs for endo and fibroids, so I’ve done a lot of research and seen a lot of traditional and natural doctors. I’ve heard a lot of people say great stuff about it, though!

      Reply
  60. Kylie Cumming
    May 22, 2012 at 11:05 pm (2 years ago)

    I found your website some while ago through Angeliska’s, and I’ve been an enthusiastic reader ever since. It broke my heart to read this post. Although I’m not quite in the same stage of life yet, relationships, marriage and fertility have been weighing very heavily on my mind as of late. You and your husband are exactly the sort of people who should be parents, and I wish with all my heart that you’ll be writing about your healthy pregnancy very soon. In the meantime, I thank you for articulating so beautifully and honestly the painful experience of yearning for a child; it was so helpful for so many people. I’m wishing and praying for nothing but wonderful things for you.

    Reply
  61. Marcy
    May 23, 2012 at 2:30 pm (2 years ago)

    I have heard great things about acupuncture for fertility. It might be worth looking into if you haven’t done so already. I found acupuncture treatments to be oddly relaxing, so there is that too. :)

    Reply
    • verhext
      May 23, 2012 at 2:36 pm (2 years ago)

      Yes, acupuncture is amazing! I had a great person in CA but so far have tried THREE in Vermont and they’re all terrible. Starting at an integrative place in June, maybe they have better people. Vermont medical care realllllly is lacking, which makes this whole journey a bit harder…

      Reply
  62. Jennifer
    August 1, 2012 at 8:29 pm (2 years ago)

    “It sucks. It takes up all your waking thoughts. I can tell myself to just forget it and to relax, it doesn’t work. I can eat right and take herbs and feel like I’m being super proactive, and it doesn’t stop that nagging want, or the deep deep feeling of failure and depression.” >>I know exactly what you mean.Thank you for posting this. I’m sorry to hear that other people are going through the same thing, but at the same time it helps to know I’m not alone. I had a surprise pregnancy last year that ended in miscarriage, and we’ve been trying ever since with no luck. Wishing you lots of luck with your treatments!

    Reply
    • verhext
      August 2, 2012 at 9:59 am (2 years ago)

      Good luck to you!! IUI #1 was a bust, so I’m taking some time to recover from the hormones and to regroup. Hopefully I can relax!

      Reply

Leave a reply