Hi friends. I’m on vacation until the day after Labor Day, so I might just catch up on some blogging, dust out the corners over here. No lie, it’s been really hard & I haven’t wanted to share much, or even when I want to share cute things or little trips it feels disingenuous to do so without acknowledging everything else under the surface. I’m not really sure what my future on the internet looks like, what I do know is that every pregnancy announcement (and oh, there are so, so many) is like a knife to the heart. I feel more and more isolated as each day passes, more and more thinking I need to take the time to actually process what it will truly mean to go through life never becoming a mother. I’m not there yet, because thinking down that road is not pretty – it’s a lash-out, crazy crazy place. So I avoid it.
An internet friend emailed the other day and asked if I was SO busy that I couldn’t start a yoga practice, as it’s beneficial for infertility. It was a long email and there was a lot to think about, but in the end, the answer is no. No, I’m not busy. I’m depressed, I’m isolated, I spend my free time trying to escape my reality with books and little tasks and work. But I’m not busy. I’m just terrified of the open, thinking times that yoga brings.
I was in my favorite little tea room and overheard (read: snooped on) a conversation between two people where one was feeling pretty overwhelmed and lost, and the response from the other is something I want to think about during my week away from work:
What do you have that’s really valuable right now?