thirty five.

It’s been over a month since I turned 35, without a moment to really sit and reflect. 35! How did that even happen? I don’t know if it’s January blues or what, but I’ve been thinking a lot about everything I’ve done and everything I want to do.

I’ve spent years creating, sewing, weaving, dyeing, collecting vintage, making huge art installations, singing in a band, dancing all night, traveling, belonging to art collectives, not belonging anywhere at all. I’m so grateful for my journey but it’s definitely where I’ve been and not where I see myself going.

Lately I’ve been updating, sweeping, cleaning. Looking at what I want to do – it’s an open space. I’m closing down the Etsy shop this weekend – and I’ve been selling vintage online in one form or another since 1996. It saved my life more than once, to have that income to fall back on. There’s something about saying “Ok, no more” that really means that I’m ready to stop just surviving, ready to stop scrabbling and rag picking to make ends meet.

I also have so many personas, none that feel disingenuous – but certainly they are at war. A permanent struggle between the princess and the feral child. I’ve always walked the line of high powered career professional life and “extended time off”  – a wild time spent bouncing between coasts, spending my days wandering. I’m at a point now where I don’t have that luxury, and need to focus on my career. But what really does that mean? How can I funnel the skills and experiences of the last 15 years to create a sustainable path for myself? At 35, I look around me and I see everyone doing, and making. And I think “So many people are doing and making. So I don’t need to.”

There’s something about the constant information stream that overwhelms me – the same images, styles, art, creation. There doesn’t seem to be any space in the homogeny, but the expectation is that one should be a part of it. Well, I’m not so sure about all that right now. It doesn’t make sense to me, so I’ll wait until something does.

Milla’s post about teenage artists really got into my head about the way people interact with art and identity now. I can’t even fathom never ever knowing the way it feels to discover something, to truly have to dig and seek out inspiration, to be the only person who knows about something. That magic, that sense of identity, that absolute wonder – it’s impossible now. Growing up isolated, when I discovered something, it was MINE. There were no blogs curating inspiration, the same photos and clothes and colors over and over and over again. When I unearthed an unknown artist or style or film, it resonated with me in the purest sense – there was no one else to tell me otherwise, or to overwhelm me with their fervent interest in the same things. They gain so much in the connections, teenagers today, able to come into their own so quickly, able to form a career at the age of 18. But what is lost?

As more of my interests become mainstream, they simply get left behind. It’s as though the commonplaceness of them makes them less magical. Sometimes I’ll be looking at Tumblr and all I can feel is a sense of futility – at everything being so common and universal that there’s barely any point in existing at all. There are moments where I can feel my heart beating wings against invisible bars. I’ve heard people talk of a “cage” as if it means a job, a house, a relationship. But those things aren’t cages to me anymore, not in the way they once were. I feel more suffocated by the sheer volume of sameness I encounter every day. Should I feel like it’s a tribe? Maybe, but I don’t. It just feels overwhelming, and dull, even in all the prettiness.

So in that world, What The Hell Am I Here To Do is the screaming question that comes out. I cast little thought-nets out and catch bits and pieces but nothing solid. So, I focus on my current career, on my health, and just enjoying life the way it is, right here and now – taking extra special care to notice the moments when I feel happy, energized, excited – and sewing those moments together into a concrete path.

10 mundane things I’d like to be better at:

1. arranging flowers
2. taking my vitamins
3. biking to work every day
4. communicating clearly
5. being totally confident
6. making friends
7. being healthy
8. dressing fancy
9. being grateful
10. doing what makes me happy

{edit: I want to be clear that I’m talking more about my reaction to a perceived loss of identity – not that it’s bad to like popular things – but that for me, when I don’t feel a total passion or urgency to add my voice to the clamor, that IS a loss, because there are themes and concepts I felt very wedded to, and now, for whatever reason, I don’t feel inspired by or compelled by. That was totally not clarifying. Ok!}


  1. This is a super powerful & honest post, thanks for writing it. I relate to the way you feel about the sameness online. The reblogging of reblogging of reblogging. Sometimes I find myself trying to unintentionally imitate it, as if that’s what I really want to do. But it’s really that I don’t know what I want to do. Anyway, I’m not sure if my comment makes sense but I just really feel ya on this.

    1. No, that totally makes sense, I feel that way too! That sense is why advertising works, anyway. And it’s hard to block it out to have some quiet to figure out your own path.

  2. I’ve been noticing this same sentiment around me a lot, a mood of “funneling down to the shit that matters”, and maybe it’s the state of the world, or maybe it’s just the people I’ve ended up surrounding myself with, but I’m really into that right now. Casting off what we think should maybe matter in our lives, and focusing on the stuff that actually matters in our lives. The season is ripe.

  3. I can’t even fathom never ever knowing the way it feels to discover something, to truly have to dig and seek out inspiration, to be the only person who knows about something. That magic, that sense of identity, that absolute wonder – it’s impossible now.

    Thank you for that! I’m reading (finally got it in paperback so I don’t have to hurt myself carrying it on the bus) Byatt’s “The Children’s Book,” and I’m up to the part of the Paris expo. It’s all filled with so much wonder. Besides that, throughout the whole book there is this sense of wonder and learning and always questing to gain new insights that both the adults and children have. It feels somehow more pure than any sort of independent research we might do now.

    That’s why I’ve not really been updating my site or Tumblr that much recently – I don’t want to keep regurgitating, as the tendency exists, but I also do want to create. I just know that I need to let go of the self-inflicted pressure to contribute to the hum of information out there. If I feel truly compelled to share something, I will. And I’ve been trying to learn about things in more conventional ways, by looking up a book or magazine article, and seeking out expert sources online rather than hearsay that’s a little bit incorrect, like a game of broken telephone. (This all reminds me of Patton Oswalt’s “Everything That Ever Was: Available Forever.”)

    I think now that I’m in my 30s, I want to be less of a person that knows a tiny bit about a bunch of things, and more of a person who can do a small number of things really well, has really good knowledge of a select topics close to heart.

    1. Exactly. And I didn’t even touch on how strange it seems to me to know output without inspiration – i.e. you’re seeing the result of a chain of inspiration but rarely the original source. Does that make sense?

      1. Totally. Like when they used to teach us about the difference between primary and secondary sources in research. There is a growth of a generation of curious, smart people who are ultimately dabblers and dilettantes because their information sources are polluted and muddled. Maybe that should be my goal in life, for everything that I undertake to always seek inspiration at the most primary sources: experts who provide advice in personal conversation, original works written on the topics, or blog posts by people who initiated a trend or discovered something and wrote on it very thoroughly.

  4. This is why I keep coming back to read your blog, even though our true life interactions have been limited. Because under the lovely material things you enjoy documenting and surrounding yourself with and creating; the aesthetic interests we share, you write about things of real substance that resonate in what I feel to be a culture that is increasingly missing such.
    This is such a fantastic post, I need to ruminate more on it.

      1. Yes absolutely, hangouts are necessary!
        I think what I’m trying to say is that its easy to feel like a tiny fish in a huge pond, except you don’t even need to be in a large city anymore, the large pond in the entire world, and sometimes feel like drowning in your own lack of uniqueness. Its so much pressure, and takes a lot of the joy out of creating/ discovering especially if you are a creative person who derives some sense of identity from the expression of your visual loves. It makes me want to move somewhere distant and replant a forest, or do some pure and kind and lovely act.

  5. Oh gosh, I know, I know…all of it. When I look back on who I was when I was 15, 17, 21, I’m so impressed by how pure and naive my influences were, and how much more heartfelt my creative output was than it is now at 35. It’s not just age and responsibility that’s made me less productive, either, it’s the constant exposure to homogeneity and trends that makes me second-guess my instincts. And then I give up.

    And I have no idea what I want to do. I’m not trapped by anything, really, but I sure do act like I am.

    Thank you for this. x

  6. Your writing makes me feel warm inside.

    I am at a scary crossroads too. I have no idea where to go but I am so happy to have made a change.

    Yes, the world is wretchedly mundane and seemingly on repeat. Yet through people like you I find joy. I hope that you find the joy too. I really do.

    1. It’s not even like I don’t find joy! But it’s the first discovery, not the 3487238 that follow. It’s hard to not get bogged down in it. I love a good pink cake as much as the next girl!

      It’s just been wearing on me and as I search for my own path, distracting.

  7. Same. Ditto. You know that. Everyday I am more and more turned off by the sameness, the herd mentality of it all. I guess one good thing about being older and feeling older than pretty much everyone right now is that I just don’t care anymore. I just do, write, say what’s real and feels right.
    And I still don’t know what I want to do either.

  8. Tamara, you are such a unique individual, that I know the sameness and uniformity will never swallow you.

    Hunker down on the career, since that seems to be calling you. But never lose your sense of wondering, exploration, and adventure. I too have a very dichotomous life. It’s hard to balance, to prioritize what is most important here and now. While one thing like career seems to be the biggest portion of my plate these days, curiosity and discovery are never far behind.

  9. This is probably not helpful, but I’ve often thought you’d be an incredible visual merchandiser or buyer – or even photo stylist for home goods or somesuch. I realize that’s so much easier said than done, but there is a big difference between people who can pick pretty pictures out, and people who can actualize the vision, as you’ve done with your wedding, your home, and other glimpses I’ve seen of your real-world skillz via this site. Just sayin 😉

    Also wanted to pipe up, because I can certainly relate to feeling pulled between many different interests, projects, disciplines, career paths. Still trying to figure it out (and I imagine it will be an on-going process!) but in the meantime, I think you’re right on with trying to appreciate what you do have. From my perspective, you are living a beautiful, magical life already. XO

    1. Thank you! That’s kind of what I mean when I say there are so many people doing – I like my little arrangements but when I look out into the world there are people who BLOW ME AWAY with their visual styling, and I’m like “no way I can do that!”

      So it’s hard to really see my strengths, I think, when I’ve been bombarded with everyone else’s, and so many that overlap. I guess that’s more what I’m trying to say. & yes, so many possibilities – how can we ever choose?!

  10. I said something like this at alt – I said, “Don’t just reflect back what you are seeing everywhere else. Say something new. Say something that’s not being sad that you need to hear… because if you need to hear it, chances are other people do too.”

    Anyway. Yes. Thank you for writing this. Career, lady, career. I think that will open up worlds for you. But also, remember, when you’re ready to begin again, the world still needs you making.

  11. Gah. Yes. As an artist it’s sometimes impossible to feel good about myself because I go through my blog roll and am bombarded with work that is a million times better than mine on a daily basis. The accessibility to all the talent out there is inspiring and valuable but at the same overwhelming and soul crushing.

  12. This post is wonderful and I identify with so much of what you said about owning something, in the sense that it becomes part of your identity. I always felt that growing up. And the blogosophere has been wonderful at times, because with that lone ownership sometimes came alienation. And it was nice to know there were more likeminded people out there than I ever thought.

    At the same time, I fight the constant pressure to blog things that are more vanilla, to subdue certain elements of my personality in an effort to expand that likemindedness. I guess there’s a dance there. Authentic likemindedness is wonderful and worth cultivating, but there’s a lot of annoying air-kissing in the blogosphere too. And we just don’t need that.

    Oh, I have so much to say to all this, but I’m not going to leave a dissertation. I think we would need a case of wine and a long night to get through it all! Suffice to say, I hear you and I love this post.

    1. I wish!! That’s my idea of a blog conference – a case of wine, a fireplace, and some opinionated ladies.

      I feel almost so inclined to cast off identity (because too many people are identifying with the same things, because I’m not sure if I like it or if I’ve just seen so much of it I think I should like it, because it hasn’t been serving me) that I’m left with a little blank slate going “whoa, wait a minute…”

  13. Ignore them! (Again, filed under the Easier Said Than Done category). Whenever I get wrapped up in that thinking myself, I try to remember the good old Martha Graham quote:

    “There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is on a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”

  14. i think i needed to read this today. i’ve been struggling between my academic life and my creative life for four years now, and the overwhelming feeling leaves me underwhelmed too often. thanks for the honestly. it was a breath of fresh air.

  15. Thank you so much for this, you express exactly how I feel at the moment. Somehow the magic of finding something new or creating beautiful things is gone, as you say, go on the internet et voilà, seems like it wasn’t new at all. Your way of dealing with this feels really good. I’m in a process of becoming aware of all my issues concerning that and I tend to withdraw myself a bit, keep my distance, at least emotionally. Actually it’s kinda sad though, to see my creativity lie idle…

  16. “Should I feel like it’s a tribe? Maybe, but I don’t.”

    Your entire post resonated with me but those two sentences came across especially strong for me. I often feel like I should have a sense of belonging but I don’t. Despite sameness and the mainstreaming of many of my interests, I still don’t feel like I belong.

  17. I agree with so much of what you’ve written here, but at the same time, I’m feeling quite insecure — what if I’m contributing to the sameness? What if my aesthetic is something I’ve arrived at in a false way? It’s something I struggle with. I truly enjoy keeping at blog and at times it’s been such a force of positivity for me. In my darkest moments, I’ve been able to think, “Well, at least people are nice to me on the internet.”

    Maybe I should stay off the internet, what with my self-destructive angst! Ha.

    I really hope that you keep writing this blog, though, because it’s always so wonderful to read your thoughts in a field of gushing about the new Steven Alan line or whatever.

    Rambly! Sorry!

    1. Haha, no! Thats not what I mean at all. I think it’s just part of getting older, and things like Tumblr that are geared so much younger – I mean, I wouldn’t even know about that Steven Alan line if you hadn’t tweeted about it. And we all like cats, and cake, and gauzy things for a REASON. I just don’t have anything to add to that milieu (and sorry, you DO, and that’s awesome) so I’m left wondering what I should be creating, and how it fits. Sensemaking?

  18. The internet is now such a labyrinth of information, advertising and massive creative output or (mediocre sameness) that at times I get a wave of absolute exhaustion just considering going online. As you mentioned, there is so much tedious reblogging of reblogging. I’m also fed up with Tumblr and Twitter and how they have spawned a lazy microblogging trend. So many snippets of stuff that have very little actual substance. Little cotton candy trifles that are consumed quickly and melt away, leaving nothing much behind, not even an aftertaste.

    I miss being inspired to write. There’s so much out there now; everyone is a blogger or a columnist or has their own website filled with pictures and videos and commentary. It IS overwhelming, the proliferation. Everyone is clutching at, grabbing for their 15 minutes (as the cliche goes). Yet in all of this proliferation, there is also too much paraphrasing of others. And too many video-snippets-as-commentary instead of actual written output. Or picture-heavy websites. Or reposts of Twitter feeds. So dull. So repetitive.

    Lately, I’ve settled into using Stumble Upon quite a bit for research or “gathering inspiration” plunges because as a tool, it often does take me to some bizarre places that entertain, evoke inspiration or tickle my creative drives. (Or in the case of the Conspiracy category – hilarious and somewhat alarming places on the internet- ha!) It also manages to keep my mind engaged for a bit. But even that becomes tedious – a constant montage of random websites flipping by until I rest for a bit on one that ignites some real interest.

    I thought I was heading into a gloomy depression or maybe dealing with an encroaching ennui but I think your writing in this post better encapsulates what is really going on for me as well. I need to out-maneuver this melancholy and that is what I’m working on these days. I hope you find a way to do the same and for what it’s worth, I absolutely enjoy reading your writing and seeing how you put together visuals on your blog. A flower in the desert…

  19. Yes, yes, and yes. That’s the most cogent thought I can formulate right now. Because you’ve said what I’ve been turning over and over in my heart for a little while now. These are the kinds of thoughts you need to spend time with.

  20. my mom told me this intermittently as i was growing up and it’s always been sort of an inspiration and guideline to me:
    “originality lies not in saying what has never been said,
    but in saying what you have to say”.

    i like your thinkin’.
    but i don’t know that there’s a whole lot of difference between the magical and the mundane.


  21. I’m sad that the Etsy store is closing–I love your eye for gorgeous old pieces–but I hope you continue blogging. You may feel overwhelmed by the quantity of stunning things on the internet, but I still find your blog beautiful and charming.

  22. Like a message in a bottle, I found this post by random as it usually goes in this endless online abyss. As I was reading your post, my boyfriend asks, “Watchya reading?” with his usual curiosity. “About my life…” I reply and read on. He thinks this [internet/blogging, etc.] is all crazy and interesting and doesn’t get bogged down by all of the things that the collective {we} obviously do. Six months ago I found myself thinking similar thoughts as you, and I came across a space that could become a brick and mortar version of a “blog” or place for others to share their story. We are having a call for entries for Valentines Day which is called “Sweet Nothings”. It is an open call for entries, artists, poets, lovesick and love-blind are all invited to share something. Postcards are encouraged. After listening to your story, I thought…if this were me, I would love the invitation to take my mind off such things for 5, 10 {maybe it would turn into} 60 minutes to write something on a postcard and send it away to a pair of tangible hands that will read it and share with other curious folks. If you would like to participate, let me know and I will give you more information. If not, no worries, I will leave you with a BIG thank you for sharing such intimate and honest thoughts for us all to feel not so alone in our heads (however comforting AND disturbing that sometimes may be) :) Warm regards…

  23. I have a dichotomous (at least!) life myself, what with working a jobby-job to pay for things and trying to figure out how to translate all my education and talents into meaningful work AND having manifold creative distractions along the way. I closed up my etsy shop as well a few months ago–maybe only temporarily, but maybe not–because it was hanging over my head, a reminder that a lot of my fun detours may have been important once but are now basically preventing me from moving forward with my life in music. It’s taken basically three years of working in an office to finally get to the point of saying that I need to figure out how I can work for myself and make my money singing and teaching singing again instead of waiting for the jobs in academia to open up. That question about what am I here to do is ongoing and the answer keeps adjusting, but I’m hoping to get better about answering it in a way that helps me to live better.

    I did a little exercise a few years ago from some personal development blog that was actually revealing. You sit and free-write answers to the question “what am I here to do” without censoring any until you come to the answer that makes you cry. For me that took about 15 or 20 minutes and it worked because I’m a weepster. Might be worth doing as part of the reckoning that seems to take place for all of us in the mid-30s. It’s like, I’m an actual grownup now, so what does that even mean?

    1. Oh man, I love that exercise. I’ll try it! I cry all the time too.

      It seems like you’re totally in the direction of what you’re here to do? I dunno about you but making the decision to close the shop was SUCH a relief that I knew it was the right one.

  24. I just came across your blog via the Etsy post about your lovely wedding, and I’m so glad I did. I just turned 25, but I feel a lot of similar emotions as you regarding my place in life right now. I’m in a city right now that is obsessed with careers and status, and all I want is to rediscover the simplest yet most powerful things that make me feel creative and passionate and good, regardless of how they may stack up to other people’s expectations. I love your list of 10 small things you want to be better at, I find that making lists like that gives me the opportunity to take a step back from myself and sort of envelop myself in a warm safe coziness, while also still providing a goal for the future. I just wanted to say hello and tell you that for me, reading your blog makes me feel inspired to rediscover my passions and creativity and hold tight to the things that make me feel good, no matter how small.

  25. Oh thank you for that. I feel the same…through the internet everything can seem like it’s on the surface, which makes it kind of futile, right? It just makes my head spin. Did you read Roger Ebert’s blog on ‘frissoning’? It totally applies to Tumblr, endless clicking through and not appreciating anything. And it sucks so much that 17 year olds posting screen caps of our favorite weird movies makes us want to leave them behind. It’s no less valid, but there are so few ways that I identify with today’s 17 year olds that it seems impossible to connect over something reduced to a Tumblrism. I just started my Library Science program and my fellow students are great but I feel like a big ol Luddite compared to them. Everyone talking about easy access to everything ever, and I’m thinking, what about the authors of all this content? Can’t we slow down? We don’t want to be left behind but we don’t want to be swept away either. Growing up! I like your list very much. I’m getting better at identifying birds and few things make me happier than that.
    Most importantly, Happy Belated Birthday :)

  26. You know, I’ve been feeling sort of similar but maybe in a different way. Everyone on the Internet seems to portray this idea of perfection, like nothing in their life is ever bad or difficult. It’s like when I look at decor blogs everyone has eames chairs and teak coffee tables and those sheepskin rugs, but nobody has a TV or a trash can. And everyone dresses the same and looks the same and it’s really difficult to blog when you don’t really fit anywhere. I like lots of things but I’m starting to identify what really moves me and who I really am or want to be, and it’s so tough to sort through the noise and find true inspiration. It almost feels like everything is just going through the motions, blogging the same things and the same styles and everyone just eats it up.

  27. Aah, how these thoughts could be from my own head. Just the other day my fiance and I were arguing about this:, as he mourned the loss of discovery and ownership and I played devil’s advocate for the kids today. I did this because he was right and I didn’t want to start sobbing for the world as it was. There *are* amazing things about the world as it is, things like the fact that I am even typing this to you now, and can have a discourse with a total stranger about something so close to my heart. And not-so-amazing things, like the fact the I had read this post and had such a strong reaction, I wanted to respond immediately. But instead I read the comments first. Lovely, intelligent, engaging comments, but I now longer remember what I had to say myself. How’s that for homogenizing force of the internet? :) (Another internet fail – a lack of a “wistful” emoticon.) Whatever your path right now, I do hope that you keep writing and introducing beauty in the world in whatever small way feels right for you right now. I think there are a silent many that benefit from those gifts of yours, even if you feel like another voice in the crowd. :)

  28. Wow. I came to this post via Ill Seen, Ill Said – and I am having the feeling of relief knowing that we are not alone in what we feel. (Also, I was born in the same year.) I also wish to find resolution in myself, and to stop struggling financially. About the re-blogging, I am trying to stay away from such sources, especially since it all seems so cliquish, and I have never liked that, but it is hard because sometimes I just want to look at pretty pictures – and also, I am still trying to see where I fit in on the internets.

  29. What a fantastic post. I visited today for the first time via Ill Seen Ill Said and I am thrilled to read your powerful musings. I am almost twenty years ahead of you and I have written nearly the same words to myself at the turn of the year. This is the first time in my own life that I find the path obscured and the joy of creation/exploration becoming meaningless. It’s difficult stuff in a creative meandering life and oddly comforting to hear my own concerns voiced so powerfully without easy happy positive thinking answers. The one thing I can offer is not to give up on your creative pursuits in reaction to the external world. They are truly your own and whether or not the have relevance in the art or design world they shape you and provide joy.

    1. Do you blog? I’d love to hear more about your path and what the lay of the internet land looks like from someone 20 years out.

      I’m definitely not giving up everything creative, just sloughing off some things that were original when I started, but are no longer. That gives me a nice clean slate to work with.

  30. I think perhaps a piece of the “sameness” is change in motivation- not just inspiration, but what drives us to do anything. So much sameness in art and on the web is driven by consumerism, what’s popular now, what’s selling, and “I can do that too”-ness. And I say that with fingers pointing back at myself. I need to constantly check my motivation in creating. I get bogged down by all that inspiration you mention. I have access to so many beautiful creations, that I become underwhelmed with my own by comparison- halting the creative process. But creating isn’t about creating the best of one thing or another. And I need to constantly remind myself that, and check that I’m aiming for something truer and deeper than just popularity or “best”ness.

    1. Ugh I wasn’t even thinking of this when I wrote it but OF COURSE. Yes. Thank you for mentioning it! I struggled so much with motivation and motives – when you’re making something you sell, there is conforming. It sucks, but it’s true.

  31. i feel this way as well…it’s hard to see all of this inspiration…never really feel like you’re the best at anything anymore, because you’re competing against the whole WORLD that has a simple connection to the internet and access to google.

    i think you’re moving in a fantastic direction, for what it’s worth…purging some hobbies, choosing to focus on what makes you happy…i recently went through this as well.

    as i said, for what it’s worth, kudos for moving forward and living deliberately.

  32. I feel the same way as Kathleen… sadly my confidence as an artist has plummeted because of all the incredible, fantastic work that is paraded before me on the internet each and every day. And while I love looking at art, and appreciate very much the work of others, I can’t help but feel there is some alternate no-internet-universe stephanie out there still painting and sculpting away, happily oblivious to the fact that her work is not all that special. In ‘real life’ I find it hard to pick up a paintbrush anymore.

    1. I think we need to create our own no-internet-universes, or at least smaller communities where we can feel good about exploring again. There’s something about putting your foot down and saying “no more!” and creating a space for yourself. I hope you do!!!!

      1. I am working on it… I am in this weird place right now – after my long-held vision of what my life would be like was totally shattered due to inability to have children – where I am re-evaluating everything, really trying to narrow down to the core of who I am and what I want to do and be. It has been a really intense struggle but I hope that I am getting closer to my own essence and that THAT will bring out the drive and inspiration that has been lagging for me. <3

  33. Everything you’ve said and the comments that have followed are very similar to the way I have been feeling in recent months. It’s so nice to see that I’m not the only one.

    It’s hard, watching people 20 yrs younger than you becoming famous through blogging and they havenet even graduated from high school yet. I wonder if they even know what it is like to struggle through the creative process. I mean, they havent even really lived yet and here they are with their careers all planned out. I can’t tell if I’m envious or if I just feel sorry for them.

    The bombardment of information is over whelming indeed and I find it hard to feel “original” …I constantly wonder if my ideas are my own or just regurgitate versions of other stuff I see online. How do I stay true to myself in all of this…..i struggle with this all the time. I wonder why anyone would even care about my designs or blog, with all the other amazing stuff out there… can I compare? Self doubt just creeps in and lingers.

    “its easy to feel like a tiny fish in a huge pond, except you don’t even need to be in a large city anymore, the large pond in the entire world, and sometimes feel like drowning in your own lack of uniqueness. ”
    – so true!

  34. i don’t understand what you all mean by “dichotomous life”…..that doesn’t make sense. i think what you mean is that you have many interests that used to seem unique and now are not? maybe? i think you mean you have a taxonomic life

    i think that creativity is something you do for yourself, and even if you sell something, ultimately, you originally created it by yourself and for yourself. you can’t think about what all the other people might think of you for creating it. you’ll go nuts if you do that!!!

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