Side trips to Glenveagh and Sligo Abbey.
The entire estate has green doors. Yes please.
& Sligo Abbey, a spooky little calm in a town that’s grown quite a bit since I was last there.
I was going to write a little about how it feels to be back, at this strange verge of ‘what next in life?’ but something totally upsetting just happened. Did you know that for items over $250 that are paid through paypal, you have to ship UPS and get a signature to prove shipment? Well, I didn’t know that, and so paypal just yanked $330 out of my account, saying the person never received the item. I have a receipt from USPS (& my post office has confirmed that it reached Italy because they can track the customs form) & paypal international shipping has been broken (they acknowledge this) but it doesn’t matter. I’m out $330 and an expensive item.
We’re so broke. And I’m fed up with trying to make ends meet and having things like this happen. I love thrifting, and vintage, and have been doing this for a long time. But it’s too frustrating to rely on these websites, and other people, and so, so risky.
For a long time I wanted to open a brick & mortar shop, but I don’t think it’s what I want to do. I don’t know what I want to do. But I know I’m so, so tired of scrambling to make ends meet, and having things like this happen. I suppose it was stupid of us to try to take this honeymoon, to try to have a nice wedding. We spent so little compared to other people, but it was still too much. I feel depressed & frustrated trying to get back to life, trying to figure out how to make money and live while still being happy – do I continue my career but try to move back into the for-profit sector? Find something new? Take classes? I just don’t know, because I feel so freaked out by it all. I know it will pass, but the here & now is a little scary.
I’m tired, and in need of inspiration, and hope.
Jane Flanagan
1 year ago
It’s so frustrating to me that people like you who are patently talented, creative and wanting to do things and are so limited by stupid economics. And I’m sick of people making out that this beautiful, creative life is within our grasp if only we tried harder. The truth is you can work hard, be crazy talented, live within your slim means and floss every night and still be fucked over, confused and have no clear direction or answers. It’s not fair. And I’m sorry you’re feeling it. But I’m glad you went to Ireland because your pictures are so beautiful I could cry.
verhext
1 year ago
I feel stupid complaining or being upset! Hey, I had a lovely wedding! Hey, I went to Ireland! But the whole thing was so plagued with money worries and stress. I would have liked to have spent my “free time” after work making pretty things for the wedding or just enjoying life – instead I was ebaying for extra $ or figuring out budgets – and now this!
We also didn’t notice the extremely vague and crappy fine print on the car rental, and it was $500 more than we thought because of “required” insurance – something so over budget we wouldn’t have gone on the trip if we’d known. The rental car was MORE THAN THE PLANE TICKETS.
I want to have the energy to make art and be creative and the space and time to meditate on what to do next – and instead it’s just stress and worry. I hope it will pass. I hope it’s just a rough spot. But there’s always that money hurdle, isn’t there?
I’m glad you like the photos! I’m going to try to focus on Halloween, and house projects, and friends this weekend. Breathe, etc.
Dena
1 year ago
Oh, love. I know this feeling so well. I am/have been going through similar tribulations recently. It is so difficult.
If you have a few moments, read this: http://evolutionyou.net/beauty-strength-in-pain/
I hope it helps a bit.
xo,
Dena
carly
1 year ago
Wow, thanks for such honesty. I wish I could pass on some inspiration and hopeu, but all I have is understanding of the non-profit struggle and the clash between dreams and reality. Maybe the ‘getting back to life’ part can only come when you step outside it for a moment. I consciously live abroad because I just don’t want to have to deal with the stress of the american dream. Life isn’t perfect, but somehow it works out with a culture, society, and government that gives that extra bit of support. Ah! Maybe here is a bit of hope: perhaps try contacting the person you shipped the item to and hope they have the goodness to officially write that they received the item. Then perhaps you can hope to have your money returned. It’s not long-term hope, but it’s some cash. And that’s always useful.
Maven
1 year ago
No wisdom on the money worries, I’m afraid–other than the very happy fact that you’re facing them with your man instead of alone. I have very clear memories of crying over unexpected charges a few years back. Here’s hoping the item you shipped finds its way back to you–I once had a package make it all the way to Spain and then returned to me, but not before a paypal dispute happened. Blech.
Mouse
1 year ago
HUUUUUUG
Meg
1 year ago
I know that feeling so, so well. Once, in college, I made $70 babysitting (because that’s how I afforded to live), and I had it in my pocket and it fell out. And I was SOBBING (I had only $0.70 in my bank account), and my roommate told me, “It’s just $70.” JUST? I’ll never forget that, and I think I’m kind of glad it happened, because well, it would be easier to take things for granted if I didn’t remember moments like that so well.
Anyway, it will get better, and things are really hard now. Just, hard. I’ve been glad about that ways it’s made me more self reliant, but… that is only some counterbalance to how hard it’s been.
Give yourself some time to rest, and replenish and find the center again, and then figure out your next move. You are crazy talented. You will (thank god) have options, choices you can make. But don’t even think of making them till you’ve rested, yes?
verhext
1 year ago
I know, I know. & while it’s a chunk of money, we’ve been worse off and it’ll be ok in the end. & I’ve learned my lesson to be super wary and read the fine print. It’s more the frustration, and being so emotionally and physically tired from the last few months of work + wedding + travel doesn’t leave a lot of energy for processing and logic and groundedness.
I think you’re right, I need to rest and not think just yet.
ka
1 year ago
Soo true. One of my perversely proudest moments was one morning in college I was putting $2 worth of gas in my car (having only about $2.50 in my bank account), and a downtown LA bum stopped his windshield washing to sincerely offer to buy ME more gas. And in that moment, being so close to the bottom felt oddly free, like somehow the universe would catch me. And later that day I found a $10 bill on the sidewalk and bought a half a tank of gas.
(And as a rabid fine-print reader, I have to say that sometimes you will miss something anyway. So don’t beat yourself up about it. Now to heed my own advice…)
hillary
1 year ago
I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It is hard to focus on the good when it feels like there is a shit storm out to get you, I know I have never been able to. I only ever see the negative. My mom has made her living selling things for 20 years. First craft fair then via ebay, her own site now via Etsy and she comes across some of the biggest asstards ever. Lying they never got items but then finding out they have them. People take advantage of sellers for no other reason other than their own selfishness. I hope you can get this resolved. When I got married we were in a bad financial situation and we paid for all of it and we came back to me still not having a job and getting by with my husband’s ann taylor job I would teach him how to say nice things about fit in hopes he would make more commission that week. Bah. I hope that things turn for you in the way you can be happy. If you find a magic pill please share with the rest of the class.
Do you have a sidebar ad made up I would like to put it on my sidebar and maybe get you a little traffic if I can.
verhext
1 year ago
Ugh, yes. The trials of selling online! And this was eBay, which seems to have a LOT more scammers than other places. It’s just horrible. I feel stupid for not being more aware.
I have yet to meet a person promoting positivity who doesn’t come from a well off background. Sad but true. We’re realistic, we know what life is like, and while we can see the beauty in it, that doesn’t help the reality! I wish I wasn’t so negative or stuck, too. Magic pill, for sure.
I don’t have a sidebar ad, I never thought about one! But I will make one if you tell me the size. That’s so sweet of you!
Dena
1 year ago
I promote positivity & come from the LEAST well off background that you can probably imagine. My father is a bricklayer, my mother is an administrator (both with high school educations). They’ve been in danger of losing their home more times than I care to count & just filed for bankruptcy earlier this month.
I put myself through college with what little help they could offer me. I came out of school with 50K in student loan debt. I’m working my way out of it (half way now!).
I find myself trapped in your shoes so often. BUT I force myself to see the positive side because ultimately that is what allows me to get through it.
Sometimes, though, especially now after these shitty incidents (the rental car insurance/the ebay crap) you have to allow yourself to wallow in it.
You are such a gorgeous soul. I’ve been following your blog for a little while now & nearly everything you say & share touches my soul with its beauty.
I’m sending you love & positivity now. It will get better. Have faith, keep moving.
verhext
1 year ago
Ha! I knew someone was going to come along and set me straight. ;D Though I’ve gotta say, I grew up in the woods – having 2 parents with employable skills was pretty well off, and NO ONE had parents with college educations. It was unheard of. I know people without running water or electricity who eventually put themselves through Ivy League schools. I come from a town of asskickers, for sure.
I guess what I mean is more of the “everything’s great! use the Secret! think positive and everything will be great!” type stuff you see around. I try really hard to see the beauty in everything and keep out of feeling ground down by life, for sure. But it’s hard!
I’m off to read your link now, thank you!
Ms. Bunny
1 year ago
I think you should sell prints of your photos. They are gorgeous and I’d buy them.
**More hugs**
If you tell me who that scammer is I’ll beat them up.
verhext
1 year ago
Ha, that’s the last thing I would ever think! My lens is terrible and I’m not a photographer! Ahhhhh! Blushings!
Seriously though, if I can find a nice printer I’ll just print some out for you. ;D
Angie
1 year ago
whoa. i think you just wrote the story of my life right now. it’s comforting to hear someone thinking through life in this way…
there is hope, but it’s so hard finding it sometimes. sorry to be a debbie downer and all. i am currently at a crossroads of doing what is practical (working a suck job that pays well) or pursuing something completely new and taking a huge risk. it’s a tough choice to make, but it’s one that a lot of us have to face. i find comfort in that.
good luck with making those decisions and i look forward to reading about how you navigate through it. maybe it will provide some inspiration for me.
verhext
1 year ago
I do think the risks are worth it. When you know what you want, when your gut instinct tells you it’s what you need to do – in those moments, it’s hard to fail. Struggle, maybe, but usually it comes out alright!!
I need to listen to my own instincts more, I think, instead of the money panic / fear…
april
1 year ago
’tis the season for wallowing! i can commiserate, my dear. i’m afraid i have no real inspiration to offer (thinking positively in relation to money/work is not my bag these days), but i do agree with ms. bunny up there. your photos ARE beautiful, and if you have a “terrible lens” then i would imagine that you could probably create world peace with the images you create with a good lens. you ARE a photographer! your landscapes and nature/architectural vignettes are always beautifully composed and convey such a sensitive connection to your subject. you have a natural ability that just shines through!
Lorra
1 year ago
I know this feeling all too well…as well.
mlle ghoul
1 year ago
I too was going to suggest that perhaps you look into selling your prints. Your honeymoon photos are of course gorgeous, but I actually first had that thought when I peeked at your Paris pictures!
I am afraid I haven’t got any finance advice either…I’ve never had very much, and I’ve just never been able to do that thing where you take your money and turn it into more money. Quite the opposite, actually.
You’re young, and talented, you’ve a keen eye and loads of ideas, I am sure. I find sometimes ever just sitting down and brainstorming and amassing ideas alleviates some of the stress and worry…and sometimes generates a bit of excitement. Plus! As evidenced by recent events (expensive or otherwise) – you are totally not alone in this
verhext
1 year ago
Hmmm. Well, maybe when work gets a nicer printer I’ll get some nice paper and try it. Otherwise – how do people do it? Is it even worth the time? I will look into it.
I love that you say I’m young. I soooo don’t feel it. Hell, I’m old enough to be the MOTHER of some popular bloggers – the internet ages you, fast! Maybe I need people telling me I’m young more often. ;D
I think a rest up (Meg’s advice) and then a brainstorm session is a good idea.
mlle ghoul
1 year ago
Ha! I have you refer to you as young – I think I am the same age, and I sure as shit am not going to admit to being old!
We are spring chickens, lady!
caroline
1 year ago
you’re so talented, really a wonderful aesthete. thank you for being honest and for sharing hard times (as well good). i hope things come together for you soon. i once heard someone say that they were going through a real tough time financially and they decided instead of trying to go for what they thought would be an easy way to make money, they meditated on “what do i have to offer to the world?”
anyway they said that helped them… i think everyone here will attest to the fact that you are an inspiring artist. really truly.
Rebecca
1 year ago
I’m sorry, I know what you mean. Nine years ago my then-fiance and I were living in a crappy efficiency with meth heads next door, staring down $60K in debt. We poured what money we had into our wedding, and it was nice. With the hugely money-sucking tuition and wedding expenses behind us, we did finally get out of it, and now we have a sweet house we love, jobs we enjoy, and we take a vacation abroad just about every year. We have less than $500 left on that $60K. It does get better.
(And if it’s any consolation, my husband grew up on welfare, and my family spent all its money on school, so we never went anywhere, never bought clothes, drove AMC cars for 17 years, etc.)
I do live in Texas, though, where the cost of living is reasonable. I don’t know that I could have done this living in the Bay Area, or New York, or Los Angeles.
Shilo
1 year ago
Wait, what? So you sent the item, they got it, and then they purposely filed a claim saying they didn’t get it so they could intentionally rip you off? SO LOW.
In regards to money and general brokeness, I know this sounds totally cheeseball, but when things get tight in our financial sector, my husband and will do daily “meditations” wherein we image moneybags or coins (or whatever blatant symbol of cash money) floating our way for a week or so. While I’ve never seen any actual money bags make their way into our lives, we have had some incredible financial windfalls in those moments.
Good luck.
verhext
1 year ago
Well, my post office says it was delivered to their post office. That’s all I can prove. I never sell $$$ things so I did not know the Paypal policy that items over $250 have to have a signature – and if you’re shipping internationally, that means it can’t go USPS, only UPS. Pain in the ass. Anyway. Sigh. It’s life!!
I will totally imagine flying moneybags. I’m into that!
ka
1 year ago
so i’d been meaning to read you regularly after your guest post on apw, then i didn’t, and now i’m here, and you posted exactly what i’ve been feeling the past few days. my last straw was dinging a neighbor’s car, and uh yea, $700 for something barely visible to the naked eye. i started crying about how that was my wedding dress budget and then some. (speaking of which, i primarily came to stalk you because i still want you to make my wedding dress. no pressure, but if you ever want to make some extra $$ that way, let me know.)
as far as ebay/paypal bullshit, would you be able to set up your own internet shop somehow? there are free open source shopping carts out there, and maybe there are shop templates? the credit card processing fees can kick your ass, but at least you’re not under the thumb of the man.
also, there are mpix and other photo printing sites that are super-reasonable, and good quality, and can be more or less ordered as people buy prints. i pretty much cried over how beautiful your pics are (it maaay be pms, but i think it’s mostly they are stunning), and now want an irish honeymoon.
so, as a total stranger, let me tell you that you deserved your beautiful wedding, and beautiful honeymoon, and it will get better, you will find a way. now go and listen to meg, and rest. all these posters’ great ideas will be waiting here to try.
verhext
1 year ago
Well, I’m not PMSing but your COMMENT made me cry.
I’m sorry about your bad luck, what a pain. I think I am done with wedding dress making for awhile – also, my sewing machine broke 3 weeks before the wedding, when I only had half the muslin sewn! I have no idea when I can replace it, which is making me crazy. I think part of my creative slump is that my dress is so far from what my drawing / idea was and it’s making me kind of fussy and bummed.
ka
1 year ago
Oh no! I didn’t mean it!
(And I would offer you my sadly dusty sewing machine in exchange for a dress, but I don’t think that would be a fair trade, as it’s not very nice, haha.)
I really hear what you’re saying about the finished product not looking as expected, and how frustrating that can be. That’s part of the reason I don’t craft anymore, because of how often that has happened to me. Which is even sadder I think, so have a nice long break, but don’t let it consume you. And if you have any breakthroughs in this particular conundrum, please share them with the world! My artist fiance really needs to be hit over the head with a better way to approach the work not matching the vision. It’s not easy for me to watch others struggle, which my comments may have already made apparent.
verhext
1 year ago
I think it’s just TIME – if I’d had the time to work on the dress, I know it would have reached my vision. Since I work a full time day job + extra work at night to make ends meet, I just did not have the time or energy to dedicate to making my dress perfect.
I think I need to realize that since I don’t have 100% of life to dedicate to art, projects are going to take way longer than I think.
If we want our work to match our vision, we need to take it slow and do it right. That means being ok with being slow and careful, though. Which is a whole other kettle of issues! Ha.
ka
1 year ago
Ohhh, yes. DUH. I, of course, have a major problem with Time. As in, the fixity of time is a minor detail that I just. cannot. grasp. I am seriously the person who tries to fix herself oatmeal and a sandwich and change her outfit in the 2 minutes before she has to leave for work. Or squeeze in 10 more emails in the 2 minutes before she has to leave work. (Add that 2 jobs + a 2 hour commute and I probably shouldn’t be so hard on myself that nothing gets done.) And yea, this has either rubbed off on my fiance or he too was born as unwilling to face up to 24 hour days as I am. Hmm, definitely something to ponder/work on.
ka
1 year ago
And I think the start to being ok with being slow and careful is to not compare oneself to others who are fast[er]. At least this is what my boy does that seems so counter-productive. I mean the more time you spend agonizing over how other artists churn things out, the less time you have to work, right? Not to mention that those kinds of comparisons just make yourself feel… bad.
miss alix
1 year ago
i’m don’t have something to say that will be more eloquent than the things these other ladies have already said, but i will say i think you’re amazingly talented and have inspired me much more than you could possibly imagine.
don’t give up, get some sleep, new adventures and inspirations are ahead of you.
Becca
1 year ago
I want to cry for you. In fact, I am crying for you because I know exactly what you mean. Every spare penny goes to the wedding and then bad stuff keeps happening that pushes me closer and closer to a financial ledge (Jason’s job change, a $900 ticket from the DMV, two car accidents – after zero in my entire life, and my own personal hell with a fine-print contract problem). It’s too much to juggle at once while I’m also trying to figure out a new life path.
But here’s what I know: you’re ARE keeping above water. And not just that, you’re thriving. You just married an amazing man. You did it in the place you live with the people you love and contributing (at least a small bit) to a home your building that you love. You are an inspiration with your art, you eye, your compassion, your ethics, your side projects, your traveling/gumption, your internet/professional smarts, and everything else I’ve come to learn about you. I’m entirely wowed by you each and every time you communicate it to the world here. You’re creating a beautiful life and doing it my running yourself a wee bit ragged. Stand back. Take it in. Give yourself a bit of space to figure it out and forgiveness for when things are hard. Even really hard.
I know the financial security will come. You’re working towards so much that’s good and you’re not being irresponsible with what you have. Life is shitty sometimes, because that’s what life does. Life has been particularly unfair to you with this ding and I hate it for you.
(Also, it’s easier for me to say this for you than it is to take it to heart. I’ve been bursting into financial/stress/what next tears a lot this year. So maybe pretend you are talking to a friend. What would you tell them?)
gillian
1 year ago
Tamera…
Your deep-reaching honesty and the kind words of your readers are always an inspiration to me. I don’t have a magic bullet either, except to say you are talented, lovely, and driven, and you must keep creating because it is your gift, and without you, all of these beautiful thoughts and images could not be born into the world. It gives me a lot of reassurance to hear of the similar struggles that we ALL face as creative people, trying to do the best we can to live a happy, fulfilled life.
As an aside, why is it so much easier to give advice to someone you care about than to take that advice yourself? Hmm..
It’s great that you’ve gotten so much wonderful encouragement from your readers… it really inspires me as well.
Be kind to yourself.
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” –Howard Thurman
Sarah
1 year ago
I hate that this happened. I hate that there is no recourse for you from the scammer, and I hate that your sewing machine is broken, which makes it all so much worse and more frustrating.
And how awful that your honeymoon feel spoiled by money woes. I don’t have any easy answers, but I am sending very good thoughts your way, hoping that it will get better soon.
wendy
1 year ago
BURN IT ALL DOWN.
verhext
1 year ago
i wish. move here!!! but then i want to leave – move here and then leave when we do, we’ll adopt you.
sasha
1 year ago
I’m so sorry that happened. People suck sometimes. I know how hard it is to be broke and feel like things are never going to change but you have to know that they will. I’ve also found that if I had all the money and time I needed I would not be half as creative as I am. Challenges like that can make us feel like we don’t get to do the things we want to do in life but when I look back on the wedding I managed to put together and the honeymoon I had to borrow money to get back from….all I can do is smile and realize that I’m a lucky girl. Remember that the important thing is that you get to spend the rest of your life with your best friend and even people with all the money in the world can’t buy that. Cheesey…I know. But the world really can be perfect no matter how bad, broke, overwhelmed, you might be.