grandmother selkie

December 10th, 2009

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I don’t know if I can stop crying long enough to write, but I don’t know what else to do and I’m home alone until later tonight. My grandmother died this morning. She was 92, and she said she wanted to rest, and just went to sleep. I’ve been dreaming for weeks she was going to die, and calling her but she couldn’t hear the phone to answer it. My mom relayed messages to her, though, and she knew I was thinking of her constantly. I wanted her to live forever, her brothers lived til late 90′s, so it didn’t seem TOO crazy. But she was ready to go. I love her so, so much, she is one of the most important, most amazing people in my life. I will miss her more than she could ever know.

helenottosmallhelen_tinyBlack tulle & pompoms in the barn? The best.

helen_ottohelenbeachShe was born in Brooklyn in 1917, and she loved the ocean more than anything in the world. She swam whenever she could, and lately she’d been upset about not being able to travel. I’d  asked her to come live in California, with me, where she could be warm & near the sea, but my whole family has moved to Vermont from NY, so she wanted to stay there.

2139148041_05e37c5fe4She’s the smallest one, her brother Otto is in the middle.

IMG_5380

sleigh

helenriverShe always sat like this. Tomboy!

helenhorseThey spent a lot of time upstate, her mother was ill (my grandmother was the youngest of 9 surviving children) & they went to a farm there. That’s her father, he owned a cafe in Brooklyn on DeKalb Ave, called “Bon Ton Cafe.”

bontonHere is a photo of it, before my grandmother was born. She would sneak in and steal pocketfuls of graham crackers, and her father would get mad.

helen_puppensShe also always bit her thumb for comfort and thinking times.

helen_coat

helen_stripesThe necklace she is wearing here (flat rectangle, monogrammed) she left to me, when I get it I want to wear it for a long time.

photoboothgrandma_richard

Her husband left her with a 2 year old and a 4 year old, and she raised them both totally alone, working in factories her whole life. She was tough and amazing.newbornme_grandmaWhy yes, I was a freakish newborn demon child.

These are notes I jotted down on the phone with her once, to try to remember her stories, crazy childhood in Brooklyn, remembering brass rings on the merry-go-round at Coney Island and horses in the city streets. She had the scratchiest New York accent, “mudda” for “mother” & so on. Meh I can’t think about it without crying.

climbed fences in no trespassing places
jumped off barges into the bay
fell off bikes
fell off rollerskates while jump roping on rollerskates
going down a hill on rollerskates and i can’t stop and theres a telephone pole and a policeman next to it, so of course i hit the policeman

“it’s funny what life is, you don’t know what it’s gonna be like.”

grandmatam

Tags:  family